CHAPTER ONE

Cheese Sandwich, Prime Minister of the United Kakedom, was in the soup. Her pugs, Louie and Zucchie, had been arrested. The charge was stealing the world’s tastiest bone – the bone of the ancient Egyptian King, Pug Tootandfarten. The bone was on loan from the Cairo Museum and was stolen from the Museum of Bones in Eggdon.

Two dogs had come to arrest her pugs: a dachshund and a bloodhound. The dachshund was Inspector Pickle, a dog with a long neck, white beard and whose rough coated black body looked like a sausage on four small legs. The other dog, Detective Biscuit, was four times larger than Inspector Pickle. His long legs carried a muscular body the colour of a conker and the wrinkles above his eyes made him appear sad, yet wise. Detective Biscuit’s voice sounded like a bell, whereas Inspector Pickle’s voice sounded like a cough. Their characters were very different too. Where Pickle dashed to conclusions before finding facts, Biscuit stalked the facts to find the conclusions.

By the Prime Minister’s side was her husband Ham and her cook Brioche. The three of them looked as unhappy as a wet Christmas.

‘Inspector Pickle, as Prime Minister I will do everything to help the police bring the criminals to justice. But are you sure it was my pugs? Look at them! Have you ever seen such faces of innocence?’

Inspector Pickle looked down his nose at the short, squat creatures that were licking Cheese’s ankles and chewing Ham’s shoelaces. The pugs looked identical, except that Louie was as black as a piece of burnt toast, had blue eyes and parted his hair to the right and Zucchie was as brown as an oat cake, had green eyes and parted his hair to the left. Both pugs had squashed faces, lined with creases and wrinkles and small noses, which produced soft snuffles and snorts.

For Cheese and Ham Sandwich their expressions were endearing. For the hounds their expressions were typical of pugs – pure naughtiness.

Louie and Zucchie pricked up their ears. They always knew when they were being talked about. They couldn’t speak the humans’ language like the hounds could – they only spoke Pug – but they understood every word.

‘Zucchie,’ Louie whispered. ‘Put on your best hang dog expression and turn on the soulful eyes.’

Zucchie did so. An angel that had just eaten angel cake could not have looked more innocent. There was one problem – he wasn’t innocent, neither was Louie. It was Louie who had planned and executed the robbery with Zucchie. They had built a robot labrador to gain entry into the Museum of Bones. They had then buried the bone in the garden of Barkingham Palace, the home of Queen Cranberry.

Where Zucchie could compose a face of pure innocence, Louie didn’t – and he couldn’t care less. Inspector Pickle didn’t need facts to know that Louie was the pug brain behind the robbery. Too cool for school, he thought.

Four sets of hackles rose and the hounds and the pugs began snarling. Inspector Pickle thought the pugs were guilty, Detective Biscuit thought the pugs might be guilty, and the pugs knew they were guilty.

‘Inspector,’ said Ham Sandwich, feeding the hounds and pugs dog biscuits to distract them from fighting each other, ‘what happens now?’

Inspector Pickle crunched his biscuit before he replied. As Inspector Pickle was crunching, Detective Biscuit made some notes:

Ham Sandwich – Bald, egg-shaped head. Custard-coloured eyes. Spectacles too large for face. Small, soft and round. Profession – writer.

Cheese Sandwich – Long orange hair. Very large rainbow-coloured eyes. Tall, lean and angular. Profession – Prime Minister.

 DO THE SANDWICHES BELIEVE THE PUGS ARE INNOCENT, OR HAVE THE PUGS FOOLED THEM?

 ‘Mr and Mrs Sandwich,’ said Inspector Pickle, ‘we will take the pugs to the police station for questioning. You will need to appoint a solicitor to represent your pugs. Unless you have someone else in mind, may I suggest you telephone Fetch, Sit and Beg, Canine Solicitors and ask for Mr Fetch. Now, I need to say a few words to the pugs, in Pug.’

‘Congratulations pugs. You’ve fooled the humans, but not us. We have no facts, but we know the truth. You nicked the great bone and we’re going to find out why and how you did it. And when we’ve done that, you’ll be in trubs bigger than big trubs!’